Online Parenting Seminar Notes

On Facebook on the PYK (Parents of Young Kids) group I belong to through our church, another mom posted info on a free webinar and when I saw these words: Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, and Yelling; I was all about it!

I normally don't listen to webinars, but the title of this really caught my attention and I watched it for the entire hour. There is a yearly fee to get involved with the full program that I don't know I am ready to spend a bunch of money on, but the webinar was very good!

I took notes during it, and wanted to keep them on my blog so I could reference them in the future (don't expect to necessarily understand my notes, but hopefully I will understand them as I look back on them!)

I am definitely a YELLER and lose my calm much too often! I hate yelling at the girls, but I find myself doing it way too much!

Here are my notes:

Biggest areas of toddlers where there is a power struggle:
mealtime...yes
potty...oh my goodness yes!...thought for sure Natalie would be potty trained by now, but nope!
bedtime...YESSSS!!!!!!

These are 3 main areas kids have the choice to cooperate or fight you

Then as your child gets older, here are the areas the power struggles shift to (oh joy!):
backtalk, attitude, homework, chores

Kids continue to do what works for them, they will continue if their behavior is giving them a hit of power (makes you angry, bent out of shape) they are going to use that behavior again and again

Misbehavior is not the problem, it is the symptom...kids are wearing a big sign that says they want to belong, have autonomy

They need to feel a sense of significance/belonging

Parent personality assessment...she mentioned this and I would love to take it, but couldn't seem to find it on the website

misbehavior is never just a kid problem...parents need to address their behavior too

strategies:

discipline- any strategy that involve blame, shame, pain (not effective for long-term behavior change, kids immediately shut down, protect themselves)
punishment- encourages lying

consequences (5 R's) best for ages 2.5 and older

Respectful (not involve blame, shame, pain) need to be calm/respectful when having those conversations, if you can't...wait until you can deal with it in a calm/respectful way

Related to the misbehavior (want that learning event to take place) example: not wearing bike helmet, lose bike for the day; don't brush teeth, change diet (no cookies, sugary foods...only veggies/fruits)

Reasonable in duration: throwing puzzle pieces 4 year old, lose puzzles for the day; teenager texting at the table, lose privileges for the week

*****Revealed in advance, so your child has the power to make a choice, make the appropriate behavior or the consequence

Repeated back to you...have child repeat rule and consequence of what happens...little kids: simple words

Media example: video games
stay calm, discussion with kids after dinner (calm and happy place) and reveal the consequences

"You know what, I've noticed we've had issues with video games. When I ask you to stop playing or put them away, you ignore me or there is a lot of grumbling/groaning..."

Avoid you always, you never...we've heard this a lot in marriage studies we've done too, but it's definitely a hard one to quit...for me anyway

"I'm sure we won't have any issues with this, but if you choose not to follow our rule, the consequence is..."

What to do if you child won't repeat back?! ...she may not be mature enough to use video games (pack them up for 6 months or so) in order to enjoy that privilege;

if you have a power struggle on your hands...parents have work to do to make child feel belong/significant

poor choice...implement consequence with dignity: no piggybacking ("i told you so")

"I see you chose to lose your video privileges, but I have the confidence you'll make a better choice next time."

child will learn and move on, even though they may not be happy, they had power to choose it, make a better choice next time

Parents don't get bent out of shape when they throw a fit (be prepared for the meltdown, ignore it as long as they are safe, walk away)...if you give in, you are reinforcing the behavior...be consistent (disengage, no responding) Once they are calmed down, then practice the do-over, the better choice next time

They may express dissatisfaction (not happy), trying to get you to change your mind, try engaging you in a power struggle

online course (toolbox for long term and short term)

Recovering yeller: learn to be calm, confident, and in control

if you can't find a consequence to meet the 5 R's, let it go, don't assume you always need a consequence (only use consequences 10-15% of the time)

give child more positive power

Calm Voice (put post-it notes everywhere, visual reminder)

Don't repeat or remind. Say it once. No 2nd chances.

It seems like I struggle with this multiple times a day...I really need to work on it and I hope I can take this information I heard tonight and make more positive changes for me and my girls!