Completely Overwhelmed

When I started this blog, the whole purpose in my mind was to document Natalie's (and now Aubrey's) life so that they could look back and read about all their milestones, but as well to learn from my experiences of being a mom/wife for if they choose to get married/have children (in the far away future).  With that being said, this post will probably be looked upon as being negative, but I just want to paint a realistic picture of adjusting to being a Mommy of 2 wonderfully, beautiful girls and how much work/frustration there will be/could be in the beginning.  I know things will get easier, but it is really hard being a mom to 2!

**Warning** This is a long one and in my perspective (as always).

Although I would not trade them for the world, I am just completely and utterly overwhelmed!  Maybe it's a bit of postpartum depression with all the changing hormones, sleep deprivation, and big adjustments at home. My mom has offered to come down to Terre Haute and help whenever I say I needed it, but I know she has lots of interviews for potential new jobs, etc. and I didn't want to take her away from that. So, on Sunday afternoon, I decided I could not be at home any longer and decided to take the girls to my parents' house. This was the first long drive Aubrey has been on, so I wasn't sure how it would go, but off we went even though Bobby was not a huge fan of the idea. Aubrey slept for the first 2 hours or so until we got to Kokomo and she ate just a little. That woke Natalie up, so Natalie stayed awake for the last 1.5 hours of the trip. We arrived a little after midnight.

I don't think Bobby quite understands how I feel (maybe because I don't quite express it other than the silent treatment), but you would think he would see how frazzled I am. I think because he goes to work, he thinks I'm not really working at home with the 2 girls. I guess it seems as though I just sit around and eat bon-bon's all day long. However, it is much different than that. The whining and crying really wares on my nerves and drives me absolutely crazy!  I feel like all I do is change diapers because when one is wet, you can bet it's time to change the other one. On top of that, I'm feeding Aubrey all the time (seems like constantly). I feel like I'm not being a very good mom to Natalie because I am completely exhausted and really don't have the patience for her at times since I'm constantly telling her "NO" or stop, etc, etc, etc. She does not listen at all!!!! It's never-ending! My only saving grace is if they sleep at the same time and by that time I don't feel like doing anything around the house because I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet all to myself while I have the chance, or take a quick shower until one of them wakes up. I don't even know how many times I've been spit up on and feel absolutely disgusting. Laundry is always piling up and there seems to a load to be done at least every day. Mealtimes...yeah...I've already addressed that before!

I think Bobby quickly forgets how exhausting all the whining/crying can be now that he is back to work. Plus, on top of work, he gets to escape to at least 2 softball games a week, then go work outside or work on the basement or just plain fall asleep on the couch/chair/wherever. It must be nice because I'm stuck with no time to myself until bedtime (which for Natalie is sometime between 7:15 and 8:30p) but then Aubrey is usually awake and will need fed between Natalie's bedtime and me going to bed (usually around midnight because of Aubrey's eating schedule) only to get up in a couple hours and do it again. All I want sometimes is even just a measly 15 minutes to myself (longer would be nice too) when Bobby is home.

What really sent me over the edge was on Saturday (well really several things) when I asked Bobby if he could watch Aubrey while I took Natalie around the neighborhood garage sales (we have maybe 20 houses total in the neighborhood, so nothing huge). When I asked him he was sitting on the couch watching ESPN or something on TV. Aubrey had just eaten, so it would have been super easy; however, the response I got was that he couldn't and why couldn't I take both girls because he had to go outside and mow. So...off I went with both girls in tow around our neighborhood and was back in less than 30 minutes. The mower may have been out of the garage, but was not running when we got back to the house (and the yard was not finished). The fence and the basement rooms should be finished by now (at least our end of things to do), but Bobby drags his feet and piddles around so much I cannot stand it. From my perspective, he has to have someone hold his hand to complete any part of the project because rarely do I see him doing much on his own without someone else's help and I'm not talking about jobs that require more than one person to complete.  I should have known from the very beginning to just hire out every part of the job for the fence/basement because they would have been done a whole heck of a lot quicker, that's for sure!

Then, on Friday, I was going to take the girls to Bobby's softball game (so we could get out of the house), but Bobby responded with "Do you really think we should take Aubrey out?" On Sunday, I was going to take both girls to church and Bobby responded with the same thing once again. I seriously feel like a prisoner in my own home. We are supposed to go to his niece/nephew's birthday party in a couple of weeks, but I guess we shouldn't really take Aubrey out because it will be in public!  Taking the girls to the doctor and the post office (spaced apart) went smoothly, but I don't quite yet feel comfortable (still I guess a little scared) to take them out by myself to the grocery store, etc. I still remember being nervous taking Natalie by myself for the first few times. However, I'm to the point where I just need to get over that fear and just do it if I want to get out of my house EVER!  But, then again, I'm with the girls...I never get to leave and do anything on my own (at least for my own pleasure) like Bobby does!  When I do ask Bobby to help out, he makes me feel as though I am putting him out and that he has far more important things to do. Maybe if I saw progress being made when he is doing things to the basement/yard/fence, then I wouldn't get so upset, but when the progress is slower than a snail and their is no visible change, I find it hard to believe he will actually be doing what he says. I don't know how many times he just falls asleep when I'm still up with both kids or doing something.

Maybe while us girls are gone for a little bit, Bobby can get things done since we aren't around to cramp his style. No excuses for naps during this time for him because nothing should be wearing him down...no screaming, whining, tantrums, etc.

My advice to you girls:
1. I hope you both find a husband (if you choose to marry) that will set aside his own pleasures or at least reduce them, in order to give you all the support/assistance you need when you have kids.
2. Your mom will always be here for you girls and will be offering all the support/help I can give (my mom...your grandma Lisa (and grandpa Randy, too) have been a huge help/support system)
3. Don't be afraid to ask for help!
4. Take time for yourselves (demand it) and don't feel guilty about it because you need that time for yourself in order to be able to give yourself fully to being a mom/wife.
5. Live close to your parents so we can easily help you out at anytime :)

I love you girls to pieces! I hope you both find that this blog is helpful when you get older and know that if you end up going through the same things...you aren't alone!

Updates on the girls:

Aubrey: She lost the rest of her cord on Sunday so now she actually has a belly button and will be able to take her first bath soon!  Yay! She is becoming more alert everyday!

Natalie: Starting to show some separation anxiety!  When Bobby walks out the door and doesn't take her with even if he is just leaving and coming right back, she throws a crying/screaming fit. She did the same thing with my dad this morning!  Poor girl!